Christmas Day 1998, brought the end to the twelve year relationship my Birth Mother and I were able to build, despite how strained it was to be. This letter was written to her three days later. It was sent back to me marked "return to sender."
December 28, 1998
This is a very difficult letter for me to write as
tears are still in my eyes for my heart is broken.
I never thought I would hear with my own ears the
words you expressed on Christmas Day.
I know our relationship in the twelve years since we
reunited has not always been a good one. In honesty, I
know at times it has been quite strained.
Despite this strain I believe we both have some very
cherished memories as well.
I thought, this being our very first Christmas
together, would provide yet another of those cherished
memories...instead my heart was broken.
I have known pain in my life, but I don't think I have
ever felt the pain I now feel. There I was on
Christmas night, in a hotel room alone, crying myself
to sleep. The pain has not lessened in the few days
that have followed.
Sixteen years ago I began a search for you. It was a
long, trying and at times painful search...but it
ended in success.
I had another long, trying, painful search in my life.
The search for and acceptance of myself.
I began questioning my sexuality at a young age.
However, I knew what was going through my head went
contrary to everything I had ever been taught. I did
not want to be what I thought I was. I fought it every
way I possibly could. I went with girls thinking that
it would cure me of my thoughts...it did not. I went
to counseling in hopes it could steer me straight...it
did not. I even went to a priest friend for help...all
he did was condemn me to hell.
The thought that I could be gay tormented me
throughout my high school years into college. I tried
to find solace in a bottle. This only temporally
released me of the pain.
The anguish became so torturously painful for me that
I thought there was only one way for me to end
it...that was to end my own life.
I tried and failed. Failing however gave me the
opportunity to meet a wonderful counselor. She made me
realize that through all these years of pain and
torment I was only denying who I was. I was not
choosing to be gay...I was born gay. I should accept
and be proud of the person I was. She said many other
things in the times we shared together but this was
the beginning of the healing I had so long searched.
Yes, Mother, I am gay. No, I did not choose to be gay.
Who in their right mind would make such a choice? A
choice that could cause a life of possible verbal or
physical assault, loss of friends or even loss of
I have already suffered three of the four, now I face
the possibility of the fourth.
I am who I am Mother. I cannot be anything but who I
However, I am still the same person I was just moments
before you uttered your hateful words. I am still the
son you gave birth to...only now you are aware of one
more part of my being.
Being gay, does not make me any less loving son than I
have been. It doesn't make me any less the person you
were once proud of.
I know this has come as a shock to you. I don't expect
you to understand it nor even condone it. I only hope
that you can accept it and accept me, not as your gay
son but as your son that happens to be gay.
I have accepted you, your good points as well as those
I do not agree with...I only ask the same in return.
Many years ago you were faced with a decision. I know
how painful that decision was for you. The decision
you made was due to the circumstances you found
yourself in of which you were not in control. You made
the decision to give me away for adoption. It was a
decision which you thought was best for me. You would
not know what that decision caused me in the years
that would follow. However, I have never held that
decision against you.
You now face that decision once again. This time you
are in total control of the decision you make.
Are you going to give me up as your son a second time?
This is your decision and yours alone.
This time you need to do the searching. You need to
search within yourself and decide can you or can you
cannot accept and live with the fact that your first
born son is gay.
I know what you said on Christmas Day. I can only hope
and pray that it was not what you truly meant.
Do you really wish I would get AIDS and die? Would you
really be happier to have a dead son rather than a son
that is gay?
We have overcome many obstacles during the past twelve
years. It had not been an easy road for either of us
at times. We are both stubborn and hard headed at
times...but hey, those are traits I inherited from
you. This obstacle too can be overcome...but it is
I can forgive if you can accept. I don't believe that
is asking too much from either of us.
We missed so much in the years we were apart. No
matter how hard we try we cannot make up for those
years. We were, however, given a second chance. A
chance to experience things I thought would never be
possible. I don't know how many years we may have to
continue our second chance...are you willing to throw
whatever those years are away?
We have missed so much together already, I would hate
for us to miss so much more.
I cannot force you to decide anything. It is your
decision to make. Again, I can only hope and pray it
will be a decision that will allow us to spend more
I don't know, as I write this, if you will in fact
read it to its conclusion. I don't know if you do in
fact read it, you will end up crumbling it up and
discarding it without giving me a reply.
Whether you reply or not, whether you in fact already
consider me dead...I want you to know the following:
I remain glad I took the time and effort to find you.
I am glad we were able to be reunited. I am glad we
had an opportunity to have some cherished memories.
I am glad I have been able to call myself your son.
No matter your decision, I will always be your son.
Your decision will only determine if in your heart and
mind if I am a son alive or am I dead.