This is the letter I wrote to my birth mother shortly after I began my search for her in 1982. I found her in 1986. I did not need to send the letter.
Dear Mother,
It was a decision of a lifetime, that with what was
known and felt at the time, was a proper decision. I
will not judge you. I will never tell you what you did
was wrong. It will never be my place to say. I was not
mature or old enough to know the reasons why.
Never say you are sorry, never tell me that what you
did so many years ago was wrong. I know in my heart
that if you are like I know myself, it was what you
thought was the right thing to do.
I will not confront you. I will make this as easy and
safe for us both as possible. I just need to know that
you are alive, what life has been for you since we
parted. I may not have enough time to find you before
you depart this life for a better one, but know that
my prayers are with you.
I will defend you and your decisions in life as any
son would. I will hold your memory true, even if all I
know is your name. I will never defile your name, your
circumstances or your decisions in life.
I know that I too have made many mistakes, but I have
no regrets. Each mistake has made me a better person,
turned me a different direction, and made me care more
for life than I ever would have before.
If you feel guilt, I will tell you that I feel that
you should not harbor any. I have led a good and
fulfilling life that I am proud of. Your decision has
made my life today what it is. True, it would have
been different, but I cannot say it would have been
either better or worse. I am a product now of what I
have lived and experienced.
To you, Mother, I pledge my gratitude for giving me
all that I have. I have lost nothing now. Now that I
know who you are by name. The only thing I would ask
in addition, is to know you. I have many of your
attributes. I hold every thought of you to be precious
as gold.
I do not know what you look like, I do not know what
you sound like. But to me, you are my guardian angel
and have helped me through life without conscious
awareness of you. I know you talk to me. You always
have. You pray for my safety, happiness and
well-being.
For the last 32 years, we have been connected.
Sometimes I listened to you, sometimes I didn't. You
are my "gut", my instinct, my heart and my thoughts.
Tonight I raise my glass in praise of your bravery,
your life, and all the decisions you made.
Used copies of "LOST SON?" only may be ordered through Amazon.com, B&N.com and other major online book retailers since as of August 1, 2007, book is no longer being published.
